ECCLESIASTES 3:4 SEASON. CHAPTER 3

Silver Lining- Rilo Kiley; Great Is Thy Faithfulness- Israel Houghton

The day came and went too quickly for us.  Our last service was full of love but had a dark mood attached to it.  We said our good byes and shook the dust off our feet.  I was feeling particularly justified in my terrible attitude and maintained I had every right to be bitter.  If only my bitterness could have paid off in some form of justification then I would have had something going.  Unfortunately it doesn’t work that way at all.  Anyone that has lived with offense and been blessed enough to break free from it knows exactly what I mean.  It is such a trap and a lie.  It doesn’t endear people to you, it completely repels them.  The only people it does attract are other infected souls.  There’s a great book I wish I would have read when I was going through this called ‘The Bait Of Satan’ by John Bevere.  If what I described is what you are going through, please read that book.

The weeks that followed I took a long overdue break.  My wife encouraged me to not get a job for a moment and just spend time with our children.  It was super refreshing for a bit.  I would take walks with my girls and read for extended periods of time.  We would eat dinner as a family and have dance parties in the kitchen.  The song ‘Silver Lining’ by Rilo Kiley became a something of a theme song for our after dinner dances.  If I could dance and laugh and forget what I was feeling I would be okay.  You can’t just run away from dealing with hurt in life.  I would crank that song to soothe the rawness I was feeling.  They misunderstood and misplaced me, but I was moving on to something better.  I was positive I had made the right decision and that something good was right around the corner.  One day I would do something significant and they would regret letting me leave.

So when I started to get anxious at the two week mark it finally occurred to me that my decision to leave full time work had real life consequences.  I started looking for work and within a couple of days was in the process of getting hired at a grocery store called King Soopers.  None of my ministry experience meant anything to them.  Before I was a pastor I mostly worked retail, so at least that worked to my benefit.  Instead of being paid minimum wage I would make 40 cents over minimum wage!  As my new reality started setting in the dancing and laughing became more strained.  I found out they had scheduled me to work from 3am to 11am, even though they specifically told me I would be able to work day shifts.  Our hopes and dreams of leaving Colorado to start a new church in California seemed a million miles away.  When I woke up at 2am to go to my first day at my new job I started to panic.  I got ready for what was starting to feel like my punishment.  When I drove to work that first early morning I called out to Jesus, inviting Him to my pity party.

Jesus is the best.  He answered me swiftly that morning.  Like a kind father with a hysterical child He calmed me down and reminded me that I get to go home after work.  I was assured that what I was walking into was what He had for me, it was not a punishment.  A few minutes into my manic prayer session He told me ‘tell me I am faithful.’  I started to declare the faithfulness of God and my mood completely changed.  I went from a wreck, to calming down, to exuberant joy.  I looked up the song ‘Great Is Thy Faithfulness’ on youtube right then.  I listened to it as I drove into the parking lot that cold early November morning.  With tears streaming down my face I told Jesus that I loved Him and I trusted Him, and He told me He loved me.  I listened to that song every single day before I went to work.  Sometimes it was full of joy and I felt smack dab in the middle of the will of God, other times it was with unbearable sorrow as I gasped for air.  I’m glad my feelings don’t get to dictate reality.  God was going to show Himself to be completely faithful to me in this season. Now that I’m on the other side of it I can more fully lean into His faithfulness when things aren’t working out like I think they will.  No matter what happens I win because He is faithful.