The Ballad Of El Goodo- Big Star
Why Did We Ever Meet- The Promise Ring
Loomer- My Bloody Valentine
A souvenir I brought back from our trip to California I just told you about was extra disdain for the entire state of Colorado. We had already grown weary of our circumstance, but now that we may have spotted a landing place we could breath again. This essay is what I wrote to describe that season in 2017. My hope should have given birth to peace, but it was much uglier and unhelpful than that. I began to despise everything I could currently see. We visited a church in our small hometown that finally made me understand why people are okay with going to church once a month. After a few weeks we understood why people drop out of church. It’s not edifying to trash churches but it was disturbing to go somewhere on Easter and the pastor talk about himself and not the resurrection. It was greater confirmation to me that because we couldn’t find a Spirit-filled church anywhere close that we had to leave. It was incredibly exasperating when some would try to convince me that what we were looking for didn’t really exist, that all churches were created equal. That is true if your faith is so vanilla that it doesn’t really matter what you believe anyway, it can change with the times and doesn’t really affect your life in any meaningful way. If you really believe something it is offensive to those who don’t hold convictions on any level. I had recently discovered the music of Big Star, a band from the 70’s. I had read about their genius and finally was able to dig into their music. The song ‘The Ballad Of El Goodo’ was something I turned to in those discouraging moments. What a great song! No one is going to change my mind.
My part time job at King Soopers was getting more frustrating all the time. Other than not having a set schedule and working hours we agreed I wouldn’t be working, I had just gotten a new manager for the department I worked in who I’ll call Whitney. She replaced an incompetent 20 year old who at least left me alone to do work. Whitney was in her 50’s and was absolutely doing drugs. She had told me about being a part of Narcotics Anonymous, which I thought was weird because isn’t it supposed to be anonymous? She would be super kind and understanding one minute and then have near violent mood swings. She would constantly call our team of 5 or 6 people to the back store room to give incomprehensible speeches and orders. She demanded we would read notes of expectations she had in a notebook written in magic marker fraught with threats and grammatical errors. I’ve had some crazy characters through the years in management over me, but she was the worst I’ve ever had. Once she blew up on me at 3 in the morning and I almost walked out on my job. I went to the break room and prayed. I could not make sense of this part of my life. This was barely providing for my family and I didn’t know if I could keep it going.
As my frustrations with work and lack of church were mounting my prayer times to and from work were becoming more vibrant. I would go in asking for miracles to come at my hands and get taken to new places with the Lord. He really broke my heart for people in that time. I think it was easier to break me because I was a humbled and fractured man. My constant embarrassment of my situation made me desperate to find worth in Jesus. I’m glad that in all my confusion I was still being led by the Good Shepherd. I would usually walk into the store with confidence, work as hard as I could and wait for opportunities to minister. I’ve always identified with ministering to teenagers and their families, but there was very little of that in this environment. I would have to stretch and reach out to people who weren’t the demographic I loved. I would get to pray with shoppers who would pass me by, which I wrote about in chapter four of this story. As it became less common for people to get healed in front of me, my pastoral heart began to burst through. Even though my focus was to see the sick recover, I would have the most success in loving on people. I would pray for strangers, recommend them to get into churches (even though they weren’t Spirt-filled) and tell them to come find me if they ever needed anything. There were dozens of open doors for me to minister and pray for my coworkers, most of who weren’t believers. I look back at this time and realize how God was shaping my heart and refining my gifting. The break room in the back became my church and the random employees my congregation.
When people would ask me what church I ministered at, I would sheepishly tell them I was out of full time ministry (hence King Soopers) but was moving to California as soon as possible to start a church. Again I was in such conflict. I loved to minister, I hated that I couldn’t find a church to recover in. I loved that I was growing close to the Lord, but hated that I was not trusted with full time ministry. Sometimes my dream of leaving Colorado seemed unrealistic and other times it was the only thing that made sense. I feel I could identify with my manager’s maniacal mood swings. I can blame the music choices that were played over the loudspeakers at King’s for setting the mood into a negative one. I wrote an article on that in this time too. I couldn’t wait to get into my car after work and listen to songs like ‘Why Did We Ever Meet’ by the Promise Ring, sometimes that could help balance out the crazies.
So we started to plan. In May of 2017 we were going take our children on a trip to California. If God really had this as part of the plan it would surely be revealed to us. So I had something to look forward to as I my life became more despondent. I would listen to the playlist of songs I was curating and changing around, the same playlist I have been sharing with you through this journey. The Beach Boys song would bring assurance that something calm and beautiful existed for me. ‘Loomer’ by My Bloody Valentine was the sort of feel my heart and mind were the rest of the time. If you pay close attention you can hear the beauty, but to most it may seem a mess. It’s okay, I will not spend too much time trying to be understood. Plus, most of the people I was around would be a memory, I was getting out of there.
thebearplane 
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