Stockholm Syndrome- Yo La Tengo

This is the beginning of my story from a season of life walked through.  On the side of retelling the story I see such joy and hope, but walking through it didn’t always feel like that.  Forgive me if I share something less lighthearted, I’ll try to tell the story in the most positive light possible.  Every chapter I share will be marked by a song from a playlist I created as I lived through this.  I had named the playlist Ecclesiastes 3:4a, knowing that the season was from God and it was indeed beautiful.  I cried and laughed simultaneously for 10 months.  I trusted and gave up and trusted again, I became firm and double-minded and stood firm in the end.  The music I share here to me paints a vivid picture of where my heart was at in specific moments of time.  

One of my favorite weekends of the year was when Riot Fest came to Denver.  They stopped putting on the festival here in 2016, but they still do it in Chicago.  I don’t live in Chicago, so this was it for me.  

I had just quit my job.  In my life I had never even kept a job for more than two years, this was different.  I had my dream job and had worked it for nearly six years.  I loved being a youth pastor, I just didn’t belong at the church we were at.  

This was a long time coming.  My wife had enough.  I couldn’t hear the pastors approval or the faithful students appreciation.  I most certainly stopped hearing God’s approval.  I could only hear the few critics that made it a point to get us out of the church.  I so badly craved to be defended  There had to be a church out there that wanted what I had, that could see the gold in me. We couldn’t bear the rejection we felt any longer. 

My wife and I are friends with another couple, Bob and Tammie.  Pastor Bob was the greatest youth pastor in history.  He was my pastor when I was in middle school, and he never stopped being my pastor.  Tammie is the greatest example of a helpmate, it’s why their ministry was so wonderful.  We want to be just like them.  Our pastors launched my wife and I into ministry years before, but never stopped being in our lives.  They let us bring our groups to their events, would come team up with us at our events.  I felt valued by them.

Unfortunately they were going through similar struggles at their church.  God was calling them out to California.  When they left their church it made sense for us to leave too.  My dream of working with them could come to pass. 

By the time I actually resigned I was an emotional wreck.  I was stepping out into a great unknown.  Thank goodness I could look forward to Riot Fest.  As I pacified myself with music and self pity, I was gently being nudged into trusting God with my brokenness.  This wasn’t uncommon for me, to encounter the love of God in the middle of something other than a church service.  I had looked forward to seeing Yo La Tengo for a long time, and they did not disappoint.  When they played their criminally short set a wave of comfort washed over me.  It was my melodramatic way to bookmark the way I was feeling in the moment.  The song Stockholm Syndrome became something of a theme for me.  

Thus my journey had started, from one stage of life into the next.  Not sure what to believe or expect, but sensing everything would work out in the end.  Fortunately for me it was going to be okay, but not without navigating some rough waters first.