Karavolades Stairs

The last year of my life is not something I would have chosen for anyone, but I have marched on with the singular thought: God told me about this season and I was going to be found faithful.

In 2023 I had an encounter with God in Santorini Greece. I was on vacation with my family and had an adventure one afternoon. 

Our cruise ship was going to leave without us, and we didn’t have time to wait in a 3 hour line for a gondola to carry us down the mountain, so we took some ancient stairs.

I carried my youngest son Ransom down the Karavolades stairs in the 100°+ heat as donkeys tried to bite us and I watched so many people wipe out.  It was terrifying, but Ransom and I turned it into a precious worship service, singing songs to Jesus and quoting scripture. 

When I had finished these treacherous stairs and got back to the cruise ship we were on, I looked at the picturesque island of Santorini, so proud of the accomplishment of not dropping my son or breaking my ankle.

The Lord spoke so clearly to me in that moment:  the season was changing and that I needed to say yes to Him. He would do all the heavy lifting and carry me, I was to be like Ransom and just sing into the Lord’s ear. I didn’t know what I was saying yes to, I was just in love and was overcome with a desire to walk with Him.

Immediately after my vacation I was asked to become the campus pastor at BRAVE Westminster, transitioning out of my heartbeat and life’s work with students.  I wouldn’t have said yes initially, but what God had ministered to my heart was so fresh that I didn’t have to think or pray further.

That transition was easier than I thought it would be, and I could sense God carrying me through so much difficulty and learning; He was doing the heavy lifting, I could just be happy and sing to Him.

AdriElle and I got pregnant near the beginning of that season, I could just feel the love God had towards us. I was happy in ministry, loving my growing family, running after Jesus with such passion like I had never had before.  It felt like everything was working.

When we went to go deliver Azusa on September 30 2024 and they couldn’t find the heartbeat my entire world was shattered.  My children’s pained faces as they processed this devastation has been the thing I have dwelt on most in the last year- my father’s heart has been dealt near fatal blows. AdriElle and I have done everything we can to be strong in the Lord but have had such lack that all we could do is wait for Him to feed us, restore us, put us to sleep at night.

I continued my work at the church, giving God my best. Somedays are better than others, but I have been limping the whole time. He would remind me He was carrying me. I had some major major victories in the last year, but when I look at the year as a whole I feel pretty beat up.

My campus in Westminster had to deal with strife and disunity for a good part of the year, to which the Lord would guide me and I would do my best to follow His leading.  That took a toll on me. 

I knew that Lord had told me He was carrying me, but in an effort to help things along I took on a lot of responsibility on myself that wasn’t mine to carry.  I just wanted to give my best to God, I didn’t want to fail. My trust should have been in His ability and not mine, but that is a hard line to walk if you haven’t walked it.

After a few months of this my family could feel the strain. My wife would plead for me to not work so hard, or to not take it all so personally.  I thought if I could just finish strong towards the end of the summer I could allow myself to take a vacation with my family.

Knowing that my body would react to suddenly stopping work and I would initially feel sick at the beginning of a vacation made sense to me.  Right before we left I felt my chest start to get heavy- I was probably going into vacation mode.  The first day we left I wasn’t feeling 100%, but instead of feeling better I started to get worse. In the middle of our great baseball roadtrip I was so sick that it was becoming hard to enjoy myself.  I still enjoyed every moment of our trip, but we were growing concerned with what was happening.

We were in Green Bay Wisconsin during our trip, and I had an episode where I couldn’t breathe and couldn’t talk.  We went to an urgent care and some guess work there had me taking allergy medicine, maybe different pollen was choking me. 

When I got home I went to the doctor 7 more times before they found what was actually wrong. In that time I went to church and gave it my best.  At home with my family I tried to keep up with all my rambunctious kids, but was growing more tired all the time.  I could feel the pleasure of the Lord as I brought Him my act of worship, but I knew something was wrong.

A church member had her spouse pass away in a work accident when we were on vacation.  I was asked to do the funeral, which was to be in Bakersfield California. It was in the middle of a crazy busy church week, but I knew the Lord wanted me there. When I said yes a series of doors opened and I was in an unfamiliar place ministering to a precious widow.  I felt so rotten in my body as I tried to get ready for ministry. I opened my Bible to Psalm 41 and the scriptures jumped off the page, a certain promise from God to me.

Psalm 41:1-3 

Blessed is he who considers the poor;

The LORD will deliver him in time of trouble.

The LORD will preserve him and keep him alive,

And he will be blessed on the earth;

You will not deliver him to the will of his enemies.

The LORD will strengthen him on his bed of illness;

You will sustain him on his sickbed.

I thought God might heal me as I preached this funeral. He didn’t, but it didn’t stop me from holding onto this word.  I thought healing had to be just around the corner, but I was deteriorating.

When we went to the ER on September 27 and they finally found this mass- my mind went straight to death.  For a minute I was convinced this must be the end, or near the end.  They rushed me in an ambulance to a different hospital to do emergency surgery.   They had me make a video for my children in case I didn’t wake up.  They kept me awake for a tracheotomy, because my airway was so bad I had to consciously breathe on my own. It was the most terrifying surgery experience I have had ( I’ve had a few others as well, this one takes the cake.)

God told me He was going to carry me, that He would do the heavy lifting. He gave me a promise for my healing, but I was getting worse and it was so much worse than I thought it could be.  The fact that it was the exact time one year later of the worst tragedy my family has experienced felt too much to bear.

I don’t know exactly how the rest of this story plays out, but I won’t question that it doesn’t end with God not being exalted. He can do whatever He wants with me, He owes me zero explanation. It is my sincere joy to give Him my life again today. When my mind goes to places the Lord has not led me, I stand on this:

Romans 3:4 Indeed, let God be true but every man a liar.

That includes me. The Word of God is true, He is unchanging, my circumstances and even my outcome do not dictate what is actually happening.

I believe that the picture of the stairs is the journey I’m on, and the Lord is going to accomplish what concerns me. I would have despaired, but I am believing I will see God’s Word come to pass as I live.

This is the part of the journey reminds me of the terror I felt as I nearly wiped out in Santorini. But I didn’t. I made it. We are going to win.

Azusa, along with all of my children, have prophetic names. I am telling you: the revival I have been praying into is happening right now all around us, and God is just getting started. Everything I have stood on through these years we are going to see God do in the earth. 

He must be positioning me for something, I am not aware of what it is. I guess it’s above my pay grade. I wish I didn’t have to walk through this- but my life is not my own. It is certainly worth it. 

2 Corinthians 4:16-18

Therefore we do not lose heart. Even though our outward man is perishing, yet the inward man is being renewed day by day.

For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, is working for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory,

while we do not look at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen. For the things which are seen aretemporary, but the things which are not seen are eternal.